Life just keeps getting worse and worse. yesterday was by far one of my worst. i really wanted to injoy hollween, but like normal it was very very lonely for (i will get back soon enough) i desided to head out allone to see the lit up houses. then on my way back i had a huge fam matter. in the end she ruined my day that was already pritty much ruined. i did try to make the best out of it. but in the end it shitted in my face. today i have been very gloomy sad depressed. i can only handle holding a front for solong. no one understand how much pain and suffering i go threw every fucking day b/c of how lonely i am. and it seems im more alone then ever before.
It seems i keep getting shocked in the face day after day seeing ppl together and no im (31) and im still yet to even have my 1st GF.
Everyday my pain and suffering keeps growing and at times i cant handle it because things like last night. or i might have Abandonment type dreams. the pain is crying out so badly now i cant hold it in anymore. its ripping me appart mently. i know pills dont work to help me i TRYED THEM ALL WHEN I WAS A ZOMBIE... err when i was young and they where used to control me. WOMEN WATCH OUT!! ;3 but when i was younger i was froced to take every pill u could thing off and nothing worked. even now (being off thme for a long time since 17-21) i still have the effects still like my senses are still gone, something i used to like. i alway was a zombie then and i cut my self from the depression pills. thats when i stoped taking them. but anyway...
Its sad when ur own fam really dont want u arround and or they think ur a thorwn in there side. since im froced to rely on them B/C i am disabled by birth, and i cant drive ontop of that. ppl dont understand im always going to be mently ill and im always going to be young mently even when i tell them over and over again stuffing it down there throught, they sitll acct and say i should act my age I CANT!!!! (i was dianoissed to always be young mently. i was borin with somany probls its hard to even live because everything ppl take 4 granted i cant though.
It at my bursting poit and theres nothing i can do about it. i really wish i could find somkeone to take me out for all day and night along and take me where i can unwind and rely for the week by a lake and try to do my thing. but sadly my hole fam are are ether Catholics or christins. (its mixed) im NEVER. i am spiritual. im just not brainwashed into that bd us (fams i can hear them now. xD
My fround it always acting like nothings wrong, im sure by seeing my fake smile most of the time they might be able to see it. i dono since they seem not to be able to tell how bad im at.
Theres around 5 things i only wish for in my god dame degrading life. my death (painless i hope), find away to leave this god dam hell u humans mod this world and gov. (i do bleave in Ascending higher leaving this world for good) finding someone that will love me, neve rhurt me, control me, always be there. but its getting to the point where thats soon going to b to late. my heart will be at the point it cant take anymore and close up for good.
In truth i have no real skills.
I cant his my true self anymore. its getting harder and harder. i did everything to try to clean up my life. take more showers cute my hair (i miss my long hair) be more r, respectable, relyabull ect nothing has helped. my heart hurts so much, it beeds all the time. its even worse when i cant sleep (takes me 2+ hrs normally to sleep or longer) so in that mean time i feel everything. i used to paly game salot more then i do now to drown my self in my game si i feel nothing. but not drowning my self in my games is making it worse for me and my other thing is i cant seem to injoy playing video games anymore because they just got boring there only thing really ever do. i know im a ticking bomb and i only heop when i emplod no one is around me. i know i have ahuge cance to lose it and brake down. or become villent.
The demon in me is getting harder to control more and more everyday, and soon it will ingolf me (matter of speeking i think)
*smirks* the only thing i want to do is cry. i feel TOO unloved. unwanted, unneeded. im diing inside and i have no suppurt n my fam but i dought they could do much ether. theres 1 thing i thing that would help me. power of love from someone that would truly be there for me and only me and show me something no 1 has ever done in my life. n be ther eand stuff. i know this will never happen and i know im going to die alone, only good thing is i have noone to hold me back from leaving this god dam motherfucking hell u call earth..
Im close my thought as i am sure i will keep writing. if i dont. by u all
